I have never been good at making decisions. Ever. At least, it feels that way to me. Education, relationships (until now!), and just general everyday choices- I always second guess myself. In all honesty, it probably hasn’t been that bad. I could’ve done a lot of worse for myself, I am sure.
I moved to Kentucky from Florida in late 2006- most of you are aware of that if you’ve been reading my blog very long. That was a good decision- at that time. I chose to go to the community college here, trying to put my bouts of “totally capable of handling everything” followed by my “totally incapable of functioning”, behind me. I WAS going to go to school here and succeed. Obviously, I had that thought during my months of “totally capable-ness”. A few months later, I was already giving up on myself- not because I was doing badly in the classes, because I wasn’t. I just quit going- depression, anxiety, and the fear of failing when I wasn’t even anywhere near failure. I was right back where I’d been in high school, except this time I didn’t have my heart condition excuse to fall back on (because no one cares about your pitty party when you’re in college), and I’d thrown away thousands of dollars on not finishing a single class. (I am still paying for it.)
And this is how I make my decisions. I know myself. I change my mind. I go from, “I GOT THIS! I’m totally on top of it!” to.. “I can’t believe I CHOSE THIS, I can’t do this, someone SAVE ME!” in 2 seconds flat. I go from knowing exactly what/where I want to go, to complete hopelessness. This is what I’m dealing with while I try to figure out where I want to go from here in my life. Nate and I have been discussing a lot of life changing possibilities lately and I just really can’t handle the thought of another decision made like the one I made to go to school. We are going to need to base all of our decisions on this ONE thing, and it’s really all on me and what I want. I’m terrified of my mood changes and the way it alters what I want … I moved here, no problem. I just UP AND DID IT. And luckily it all worked out. I’m trying to do this carefully.. working out all of the details.. but my lists of pros & cons never win out one over the other.
I’m stuck- a place I’ve spent my whole life, in one way or another.
![Array](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3218/3157688588_7a87c96b91_m.jpg "MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE. I got a Wii!!!
I got amazing presents- I loved all of them.. but this one.. took the cake. My parents wrote "To: Pepper, From: Belle" (dog, cat) on the box.. and when Belle wouldn't come over to it my Step-Dad slid it over to me to open.
I just stared at it and said, "Wait.. what's IN the box?" ... my parents have a Wii.. so I though they wrapped something else in THEIR Wii box! LOL. My Mom goes, "Wh.. What do you mean what's in it?" and I said.. "Well there's not really a Wii in it ........ is THERE?!" *insert screaming and dancing and bouncing*
I proceeded to hug my Wii box for the next 45 minutes...
We went to my Uncle's house for Christmas.. and it was reguarly disfunctiona. But the food was good.. and I enjoyed seeing my Uncle. :)
We came home and had a nice relaxing evening!")
I still can’t believe I have one. My parents reaaally went over board on me this year- I love them.
Fun, fun times.![Array](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3263/3123074307_4451a1e5ae_m.jpg "OH Friday. What a day. What a fabulous day. I got off work early. Nate & I got done with Christmas shopping. We went to Joseph Beth and I bought a book for myself called, "The Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold. I'm totally stoked to read it. (if you've read it, you need to comment and tell me how you liked it.) I bought my gift for Erin there, so we got our free gift wrapping, and we left.
2nd on the list of places to stop- Best Buy. We had to exchange the free games that came with the *new* Xbox 360 we got in replacement of our's that "red ringed"(died). YEAH- interupting story- I didn't TELL you. Nate's Xbox360 dies.. his 20Gig Xbox dies.. BUT he has a warranty with Best Buy. SO, take it back, get a new one. However, they don't have *his* anymore- they have Xbox360 60Gig with a bundle of two free games AND a $53 gift card.. so guess what he got? ALL OF THAT. For having a dead 20Gig Xbox. Pretty FREAKIN sweet. (except for the loss of all our crap on the hard drive.)
ANYWAY.... the two games that came with it are Lego Indiana Jones and Kung Fu Panda (something or other). There was a huge hole in the back of the case they were in and of course, a huge hole in Lego Indiana Jones. So we took it back.. and the angry process of trying to get a swap on something that only comes bundled with a game system was sucky (not for us, but for the dude that helped us who had to explain it to someone OVER and OVER before she finally GOT it.) But it was fine. We got it and left.
Headed to Ashley's house where we hung out all night long with Ashley, Nathan, Jason, Tabitha, & Christin. Ashley got an early Christmas present- The Wii Fit! So, we spent a lot of time playing the games, followed by macho statements like- "OH yeah, did you see ME walk the TIGHT ROPE in 34 SECONDS? TOP. THAT!" And then... there was the insanely loud singing that went along with the "Lips" game that I bought. Nate still dominated me in Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up The Sun".. and we totally sang a song with the lyrics of, "My lip gloss be coo' .. my lip gloss be POPPIN'." It was nothing short of ... hilarious.
We got home around 3am. I went to sleep around 3:30AM. The end.")
